4/26/20XX
I am sitting here writing down my
thoughts because I am told they will help me in the future. I very much doubt it though, as I’ve seen glimpses
of it, and I’m still confused. I’ve been
told that my name is Leon, but I have no idea if that’s true. I know that I will continue to be called
Leon, so I’m making the assumption that it is indeed my name. I will look back on my writings for the rest
of my life, as it is the only window I have through which to see my past. Allow me to explain.
I have no memory of anything that
has happened to me prior to the day it presently happens to be. Everyday I wake up, and must subsequently be
prompted by others as to what to do and when to do it. For instance, they' tell me I’ve learned how to brush my
teeth, but I can’t remember doing so. When I do finally start brushing, it’s
familiar, but I can’t say I’ve ever done it before. They tell me that if I hadn’t done it before
I wouldn’t have teeth, and I assume they are correct. My existence is a simple one, led by many who
call me their friend. Without their help
I would have died long ago, I know this is true. Tomorrow will be the same as today, and the
next day after that until I die in my sleep at the age of 92.
I
read my writings from the days before, and while I know that they will always
be explaining my predicament, I still find interest in them. After I am made aware of their existence I sit
down and am told I might like to read them.
“I can’t”, I say to those around me, “I don’t know how to read”, but
they assure me I do, and when I see the pages in front of me with markings on
them, I suddenly understand them. I read
with intrigue despite the repetition, and tomorrow it will start again. Tomorrow I will have no memory of today;
tomorrow I will be one day closer to my death.
5/5/20XX
Today I was told it was my
birthday. Confused as to what that meant
I was somewhat nervous at the amount of people in my bedroom when I awoke. I cannot recall ever having a birthday
before, but they assure me that if I didn’t have one I would not be alive
today. I assume they are correct. I know that I will have birthdays every year
until the day I die, but I won’t ever know how old I am when asked. Looking ahead, I am aware that I will always
portray this kind of confusion even up until I am 93 and succumb to a fatal
stroke. I’m not sure what changed
between today and a week ago for my death to change like that, but I value the
extra year I will gain. My son came by
today to celebrate my birthday. I was
unaware I had a son, let alone a wife, and at 6’8’’ he is much taller than I
am, but there was a slight resemblance.
He told me he would be back next week to visit, and I look forward to it
until tomorrow comes and I forget. We talked
for a while, and he read me some of my past writings. He is trying to help me remember things, but
I tried to convince him I never would.
He called me a pessimist, and I fear I may have upset him. I gave him a
hug on his way out, and made it count, as I knew I would not remember it, but
he would. Almost every night before I go
to bed, I try to figure out when it is that my memory loss occurs. Sadly, I am never able, and all attempts to
stay awake and wait have failed. It is a
shame that I can’t get out more, and experience more of the world with my
fleeting memory, but I understand the importance of the danger it may cause to
me if I did. I think I’ll end this entry
by saying, get out more and enjoy the time you have, for my sake.
5/13/20XX
As I mentioned in my last entry, my
son stopped by today to tell me that his wife had died. There is a sense of
sadness that builds inside of me, but I’m not certain what or who specifically
it is for. On the one hand, I feel bad
for his loss, but knowing that I will not remember any of this tomorrow, I can’t
help but be a bit depressed. I look forward to tomorrow and being happy.
I
learned early on in my life, that while my death may change, I still don’t know
how to create that change. I recall,
from rereading my previous entries, that I somehow changed the way I would die
within a week. I could not tell you how
that happened though, it just did. I
must relearn this concept of my existence everyday as I awake every morning to
the frightening knowledge of how I will die.
I write down how old I am, and how it will happen, but only when it
changes, and the interesting ones. I
guess I’d have to say that it’s an odd sensation. That is, waking up every morning and being
able to see what everyone else can’t, only to forget it tomorrow in an
instant. Hopefully this continued
writing will allow me to deal with it.
5/28/20XX
Today, after reading my previous entries,
I decided to act upon my notion of getting out more. After I was helped with the process of
getting dressed, I proceeded to plan my escape.
After a few minutes of trying to figure out what to do, I gave up, for
lack of knowledge, and decided to just start walking towards the door. I opened it to be struck by a refreshing breeze,
and continued cautiously down the hallway outside my room.
I walked a bit further to another
door and opened it. As I took a few more steps it was clear that I was in a
courtyard that was gated in. The sun
peaked out from behind a light blanketing of clouds, and the warmth was felt on
my face. I looked up towards it, closed
my eyes and took it in; it was magnificent.
It was then that I felt a sharp pain on my neck, and when I opened my
eyes I was lying in my bed. As far as I
can tell, this has never happened before, but then I have no real confidence in
that assumption. I never asked any of my
friends here about the incident for fear that they might become aware of my
escape attempts. One day I will succeed;
I will not die in this building of my friends.
6/5/20XX
I woke up today with a sense of
adventure. I took a few steps out of my room and out towards the courtyard ________ __________________ ___________ ___________ __________ _____________ _________ ________ ____ ___________ ___________ _______________ ____________ ________________ ___________ _____ ___ I was told it was unbearably hot outside and
that I should stay indoors today. I didn’t
really understand but I was excited nonetheless and felt like I shouldn’t let
this energy go to waste. I was told that
I may enjoy a quick game of ____________ and so I
set out with my friends here to do so.
Everyone was so happy while we were playing and then _________ stood up to make
an announcement. ________
__________________ ___________ ___________ __________ _____________ _________ ________ ____ ___________ ___________ _______________ ____________ ________________ ___________ I was so
relieved when my other friends here helped me up and stitched my up. They quickly put me back to bed and assured
me that sleep would make me feel all better.
I really enjoy having so many friends around.
