A Sublime Pantomime

It was the least I could do
Not talking to you
It was the least I did
When I said what I said

It’s been at least three weeks
Since I saw me
It’s the least likely place
Where I turn up being

It’s not the last time
That you’ll go missing
It’s just like past times
Of lip less kissing

You’ll turn up on time
But still be late
When disheartening dreams
Are again my fate

I’ll most likely find
No peace of mind
But most of us
Seem to be of that kind

The most I could do
Was be there for you
The most I did
Struggled to escape my head

It’s been at most a minute
Since I last thought
That I’d like most
To forget you not

I’ll turn up late
But still be on time
Who knows what I’m doing
A sublime pantomime

5 Minutes Ago (Part II)

Again, same as before...



Nothing's worse than lying awake at night
Trying to figure out how to make things right

And nothing's worse than being second in line
To someone's love, and you're still trying

And nothing's worse than saying goodbye
To a love you really wanted to give a try

And nothing's worse than the realization
That you no longer have time for patience

And nothing's worse than enjoying a song's lyrics
Then having the music stop, and realize life makes you sick

And nothing's worse than hanging up that phone
When you know that tomorrow you're waking up alone

And nothing's worse when life's the best it can be
And you can only watch, tied down by your apathy.



I think I can sleep now.......

5 Minutes Ago

5 minutes ago I couldn't sleep, and this is what came out...

Attention, attention is what you want
Don't ever say no, just continue to flaunt
What they can't have, ever so sweetly
Apparently it's okay, if you do it discretely

Don't tease anyone
But don't please anyone
Just play the game
Are you having fun?

Because I assure you they're not
Regardless of what they may say
You may be hot and what they want
But this dog will never have it's day

We've all crushed hearts
It's a matter of fact
But how many of us
Reminisce and feel bad?

Hard pressed to find one so clear
That love's touch has never graced
One who knows not the fear
Of losing, and feeling misplaced

So this goes to those
Still searching for love
There's none in these few here
Best just to give up...


I don't really care what anyone thinks of this one, because it was written in an effort to clear my head before I went to bed, now that that's taken care of I hope to sleep peacefully.

Derek

I hope you enjoy it, and if not, it's no big deal. Let me know what you think too as this is the first short story I've written.

“I just can’t understand it. Why are you doing this?” asked Felix.

Derek didn’t answer too quickly, he was distracted in the process of buttoning his coat, “If you had seen her you would feel the same exact way.”

“Maybe, but I didn’t see her, which means I have to try and play the logical part of your brain and continue to ask why the fuck you’d think for a minute this is actually going to work?” Derek didn’t answer, he simply continued to gaze, almost entranced, at the photographs that had only a short time ago come into his possession. Every image seemed to give a sense of familiarity, and yet none of the photos he glazed over told him anything about where they may have been taken or by whom.

“Hey! Derek, what the hell? Are you listening to me?”

Derek looked up suddenly and apologized. Something about the photographs had held his soul in an embrace he could not quite understand.

“Sorry Felix, I’ve just…” Felix watched as Derek continued to be held in a visual captivity by the photographs. “…I’ve just never felt anything like this before.”

“All right, explain all this shit to me again, I just don’t get it man.”

It started a few hours ago as Derek was waiting, like usual for the 8:15 subway. He wasn’t really going anywhere, but he enjoyed watching the people and imagining for an instant that his life had a more involved aspect to it. He added to the adventure by never paying attention to where he was going. He simply got off the train when he felt like it and continued to explore wherever it was he had gotten off.

As he waited, he reached into his coat pocket to grab a cigarette. Bringing it to his lips he lit it and for a moment everything stopped. It was only temporary, but for that moment his problems were taken away. With each continual puff his head felt clearer. That was until he realized that his hold on the cigarette wasn’t as good as he thought. Only halfway down the cigarette it was taken by the wind and he was too slow to catch it with no time to light up another. The moment had now gone, and his head ceased to be clear. The thoughts came back, and without another cigarette he was at their mercy. Unable to calm his mind he began to think, about nothing really and yet about everything; lost in his thoughts, becoming more and more anxious. He knew he didn’t want to think right now. He didn’t want to remember it all. Without the cigarette Derek resorted to the music. He slipped on his headphones and turned up the music so loud he couldn’t think. Derek fled into the subway tunnel and allowed the rushing thunder of passing trains to lull his over active mind into a quiet. His train had arrived and he soon boarded. Stepping aboard Derek took a seat taking little notice of the other passengers. He did not care of their problems and drowned them all out with his music at any rate. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the glass of the window. His music, timed perfectly with the movement of the train, created the illusion in his head that maybe today would finally be that perfect day. The day he had always hoped for where it all went right, and he could expect what he expected as opposed to the frequently unexpected.

It started with a kiss, soft and sweet on Derek’s cheek. He groggily dismissed it as his dream in a half-awake state. His eyes still closed he continued to let the train’s rhythm and the melody of his headphones lull him back to sleep. He dreamt of things that only stayed for seconds. Images of the most beautiful, and ideas of the clearest, lost to him in a rush when newer images and ideas came into mind. Unable to keep track of them but with a serene sense of peace, Derek continued to sit.

“It was real.” Derek heard, accompanied again by another soft kiss upon his cheek. He opened his eyes only to find her sitting by his side and staring right back at him. Her smile radiated the peaceful inner beauty of her soul. Her smile was soothing in a way that coupled with her striking green eyes, made Derek speechless. She spoke as if she had known him forever.

“You needn’t speak, only listen. My name is Haley, and I’ve finally found you, a love that is true…” She paused for a moment and stared into his eyes, as if lost. Derek made an effort to ask what was wrong, but she silenced him with a delicate finger placed gently upon his lips.

“You must find me.”

He was confused. She was right in front of him. It was at this moment that she slipped into his coat pocket an envelope with HALEY written on the front. Looking at the envelope confused, he made to look back at the beauty beside him for an answer, but she had vanished. The train was empty and his music had long since stopped. He was sure he was dreaming and made an effort to wake up. Sure enough, the dark empty train he saw before now slowly materialized the people that had been there when he got on. The lights were brought up and he was awake, listening to his headphones.

Thinking little of the dream he went to get off the train. Outside again he now had a chance where he could attempt to finish another cigarette. Reaching into his pocket Derek suddenly discovered his cigarettes were gone, and in place of them there was an envelope. Believing again that he may still be asleep he tried to wake himself and think clearly. When he couldn’t wake he slowly pulled out the envelope. Upon it was written HALEY as in the dream. He made short work of opening it to find several photographs. None of them made any sense to him but each picture he looked at made him feel closer and closer to a feeling his heart yearned for but his head could not place. As if at some moment in time he had been involved in all of the pictures he now saw.

“So then you rushed back here because you thought I would never believe it?”

“Yeah … pretty much,” said Derek still finding his own story hard to believe even though it had happened to him.

“So what now?”

“I intend to find her.”

“I honestly don’t know how you’re going to manage that, I mean you can’t even make sense of the pictures, let me see those.” Before he could even move, Felix had snatched the envelope of pictures. None of the pictures seemed to make any sense to Felix either, except one. He studied it for a bit.

“Where? Where? Where? Got it! I know that place. It’s this old café outside of town overlooking the ocean. I think this girl I used to date took me there once. I couldn’t really place it because it’s so far away in the picture. Someone must have taken it out at sea looking in at the coast.”

Felix had still been staring at the picture and didn’t realize that Derek was on his way out the door.

“Wait, where the hell are you going?”

“I’m going to find Haley. I’m going to that café.”

“Oh come on! Don’t you think what you’re doing is a little neurotic?”

Derek hesitated. His mind was beginning to think again and he worried that he might not act in the moment. He screamed in his head and silenced the thoughts as best he could.

“Are you coming or not?”

It took no thought at all from Felix to say, “Hell yeah I’m coming, I’m the one who knows where the café is, right? Plus who else is going to keep your irrational ass on par?”

“Good, but none of your usual shit.”

With a confused look on his face, Felix stood there trying his best to fake thinking about what Derek could possibly be talking about.

“Why, whatever do you mean Mr. Smalls?” said Felix sarcastically.

“Just try to shut up. Let’s go.”

Rushing down to the street, they began walking out to the edge of town and towards the café on the cliffs overlooking the ocean.

“And so we’ve arrived at the Contradiction Café.” announced Felix to all who could hear, “Kind of a catchy name if you ask me, that girl did always have such interesting tastes.” Felix winked.

Derek remained silent as the two of them looked around. Derek looked down at the picture again and did notice, as Felix had said, that it must have been taken from out at sea. They wandered over to the cliff side of the café and looked over the edge. Derek found an odd sense of security when looking upon the shear drop of the cliffs into the crashing waves of the ocean. He couldn’t quite explain it, but a sense of peace was there with him, and for once he was able to stop the introspection and just live in that one serene moment.

“I don’t see anything out of the ordinary Smalls. I mean we’ve been out here for hours now and I lost track of just how many espressos I’ve had. I mean shit man I don’t know how you expect me to find Miss Nonexistent without it-”

“Wait, shut up,” Derek was now gazing intently into the distance. The serenity had taken him, and he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “There, in the distance, can you see her?” Felix looked but saw nothing.

“What are you talking about Derek, there’s nothing?”

“No, right there on that…boat…” Derek looked back and could no longer see the beauty he thought was Haley on a far off boat. He knew what he saw even if Felix didn’t. She was there, her hair catching the rays of the sun making it golden and beautiful as the passing wind tried to catch it in its arms but to no avail. He stared at where his alluring angel once stood, but could no longer find her. His heart rose and sank like a boat among the waves, only to rest finally among sinking feelings.

“Hello? Are you even listening Derek? She wasn’t there an hour ago, and she’s not there now. Derek?” Derek snapped back into reality. Had he really been staring for an hour into the empty sea? He decided to give up for the time being and go home. He didn’t want to, but the questionably logical Felix insisted it was for the best. For weeks he was unable to sleep. He would lay in bed and think of her, Haley. His daily routine had now changed. No more did Derek go searching for a purpose in the morning on a bustling subway. Instead he invested every minute he was awake trying to decipher the remaining photographs, this had become the adventure he had been searching for. Haley was the life he had been wanting. Felix was right there with him but only because deep down, though he’d never admit it, he felt like Derek’s keeper. He thought that Derek was probably crazy, but didn’t have an answer for the photographs. And so, instead of dissuade Derek he vowed to help him find peace in his endeavor to find Haley.

Life went on regardless of whether or not Derek was getting closer to his ultimate goal. The weeks passed, and with each passing day the exhilarating feeling he had to begin with was starting to fade. Realizing this, Derek was at a loss as to what he should do. Almost overcome with the feeling of potential failure he was beginning to lose hope.

“Have you found her yet?” asked Felix. He did this almost every day and every day he heard the same answer from Derek.

“I’m sorry to hear that Mr. Smalls, but try to think positively, I mean these pictures might be confusing and hard to make sense of, but I think the fact that you have the pictures makes me think she has to be real and out there...” Felix stopped as he could see that Derek wasn’t really listening anymore. He just continued to focus on the pictures. Even though he couldn’t understand them he felt like the images were the only comfort he had. They were the only things he had that connected him to Haley, and he found peace in that, if only for a moment. At that moment there was a knock at Derek’s door.

“Oh shit, I completely forgot,” said Felix, “I called up my friend Aimee to see if she could help you out. She has some experience with photography and I thought she might be interested in looking at the pictures.” Felix rushed over to the door and opened it with a bit of excitement.

“Ay! Aimee!”

“Felix! How are you?”

“Come on in, I feel like it’s been far too long since we’ve seen each other.”

“It has, but I forgive you.”

“Oh, as if it’s entirely my fault that we never see each other?”

“It is, and you know it.” She laughed, somewhat joking.

At this point Derek had gotten up to introduce himself. Aimee was taller than Felix and really made him look quite comical when they stood next to each other. Her striking red hair pulled back as she looked down upon Felix. Derek couldn’t help but laugh a bit to himself at the sight. When she saw Derek she looked at him with the most understanding eyes. Derek looked back at her and he felt like she suddenly knew all of his problems, but more than that, he felt like she knew how to fix them, a true friend indeed.

“Aimee No, pleased to meet you.” She extended her hand.

“Derek Smalls.” He put out his hand.

“Felix Biggs!” Shouted Felix as he put forth his hand too, “What? Oh come on, I’m just trying to be a part of the moment.” Aimee began to laugh.

“You always were a little needy huh?”

“Ouch.” said Felix.

They all sat down for a while and Derek and Felix began to explain to Aimee what was going on. Derek recounted his story and then showed the pictures to her. As she looked them over she looked as if she understood the pictures. Derek asked if she could make any sense of them and she explained that while she only recognized one of them she did think that she could help Derek understand a few of the ones she didn’t recognize.

“See here,” She pointed at one picture, “it’s all perspective. These two pictures are of the same place, just different perspectives.” One picture was of a vast field of hills with no significant landmarks of interest or so Derek thought. The other was of a small building that looked like a cabin with a few trees surrounding it.

“Wait, how can you tell they’re pictures of the same thing, they have nothing in common?” said Felix.

“Well,” she said, “if you look closely, the trees in the first picture off in the distance are arranged in the same way and are the same kind of trees that are in this picture behind the cabin.” Derek was taken back because for as much as he had been looking over the pictures he never noticed this detail.

“You said that you knew where one of these pictures was, which one?” Asked Derek.

“Oh, easy, this one.” She held up one of the pictures. It was a picture of a steep hill that sloped down to a flowing river. There was nothing, based on the way the picture was taken, to distinguish it from any other kind of river scene, and anyone who didn’t already know the place would just see it as nothing of importance. “I recognize it because it’s this place where my friends and I used to play when we were kids. I can tell because of this rock here.” She pointed again at the picture. “You wouldn’t know it from this side of the rock, but on the other side it looks like a skull. We used to hang around there all the time and pretend we were pirates.”

“Really Aimee, pirates?” said Felix with a laugh.

“Yes, Felix, pirates. I think it was because of the skull rock. We called it our Skull Cove even though it wasn’t much of a cove.” Aimee laughed with a look of nostalgia on her face. Felix was still confused and couldn’t help but laugh as well. “You can’t honestly tell me that you, especially you Felix, never did anything like that as a kid?”

“Nope, never, I was a normal kid.” Felix tried to say with a straight face.

“I bet, a normal kid without an imagination. I pity you Felix.” she laughed.

“Oh Miss No, you have no idea what my imagination is capable of.” he smirked.

“And now I’m not sure I want to know.” she laughed but still looked disgusted. The three of them talked for a while longer and Derek was happy again to realize that there was really only one picture after the three that Aimee had talked about that he still didn’t understand. The last picture was of an empty beach that looked out at a magnificent sunset. It was beautiful, but like the other pictures, it gave no help as to where Haley was. Derek asked if she could tell them how to get to Aimee’s “Skull Cove” and she obliged. With that, Derek and Felix made to leave and see Aimee off in the hopes of finally finding out where Haley was.

“Wait, you think you’re just going to leave me here? As if I’m going to wait to hear about the epic tale of Derek and Felix.” They agreed and felt that it would be intriguing to rekindle her past active imagination she had as a kid. With that, the three of them set off once again.

“Here it is,” proclaimed Aimee, “Man this brings back the memories.”

“Aww, how sweet. Now what? Are we just supposed to look around for Haley or what?” said Felix. They walked up to the rock Aimee had described and sure enough, the other side did indeed look like a skull. Derek looked in every direction, but nothing stood out of the ordinary. The river next to them continued to flow at an ever-steady pace, and beyond that was the steep slope.

“Hey Aimee, did you ever go across the river and up the slop when you were kids?” asked Derek.

“Are you kidding, at our age it would have been suicide, we would have been swept away for sure. And don’t think it’d be a good idea to try it now because I’m willing to bet you’d end up taken by the waves.” she replied.

He looked at the water. It was flowing quite fast, but at this moment he just wanted to find Haley. Regardless though, he wasn’t about to risk his life if he didn’t have to.

“Is there any other way across?” asked Derek.

“Not that I know of-”She was cut off when she saw what Felix was doing, “What do you think you’re doing, you’re going to kill yourself!!”

“Oh shut up, I know what I’m doing here, just trust me.” flaunted Felix. Felix had found a small, slue of rocks that he was now attempting to hop among to get to the other side of the river. Derek and Aimee watched with anxiety as he hopped from one rock to the other.

“Now, here’s the problem,” said Felix, now halfway across, “I could just jump to that rock there,” He pointed to a rock that was partially submerged, but still shallow enough to stand on, “But if I don’t stick the landing I’ll be taken away. I mean, I’ll stick the landing, I’m Felix Biggs for Pete’s sake, I just thought I’d let you both know what’s up.”

By this time, Derek had now followed the path that Felix had started and stood only a rock behind him.

“Yeah, I’m sure you can make that Felix,” she said sarcastically “Are you both retarded?” Aimee continued to yell, still on the shore of the river. They didn’t listen though; they both just kept trying to devise a plan to successfully jump to the next rock.

“I don’t know dude, I’m starting to think I’d like to not lose this beautiful body today.” said Felix.

Derek was listening, but not too intently. Instead he was looking at the pictures while he stood on his rock, hoping that they would give him some kind of answer. Then he started thinking. He started getting lost in his head, weighing the outcomes of each individual scenario of which there were several, or so he thought. Feeling the weight of his thoughts, one started quietly in the back of his head. “Risk it.” He ignored it at first, but it started to get louder. “Really, I mean it, jump.” Louder and louder the thought almost felt as if it were yelling at him in his head. Derek could no longer take it. In a flash he stuffed the pictures in his pocket and leapt to Felix’s rock almost knocking him in. From there he made the second quick leap that Felix couldn’t bring himself to do. As he hovered in the air, about to land on the water covered rock, everything felt right. Derek had landed on the rock, and while his feet were being pushed from the flowing water, he remained standing. Aimee couldn’t watch anymore, and Felix was awestruck. Derek could not stand for too long the way the water was flowing, and went to cross to the other rocks. As he attempted to jump his left foot slipped and he was suddenly falling toward the water. Derek crashed hard into the water and started to be beaten by the waves and the rocks as he was pulled under and down stream. Felix was frantically looking for a path of rocks to catch Derek, but there was none. Aimee yelled to Derek to hold on, as she ran down stream with him. Derek couldn’t hear her though as he repeatedly slipped under the water, struggling to stay above the current, but failing to do so. With nothing he could do, Derek gave in, with the hopes that this was how things were indeed supposed to go. Haley, he thought, I hope I haven’t failed and now I’m afraid I’m going to lose you forever. His thoughts went dark, and suddenly a sense of peace over took him. Blacking out, Derek was lost to the waves.

“Do you see anything?” yelled Felix.

“No, and I’m really starting to get worried to.” replied Aimee.

The two were now standing all the way down stream where Derek should have turned up. The water was shallower here and even if he had drowned, he should have washed up here. Both Felix and Aimee never once thought that he could have drowned, but he should have been here nonetheless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Derek awoke on a shore he did not know. Looking around he did not see Felix or Aimee. Surprisingly dry and with no broken limbs, as far as he could tell, he tried to stand up. Looking around he had no idea where he was, when suddenly he noticed it, off in the distance, the small cabin from the pictures. He reached into his pocket and took out the pictures. Sure enough, this was it. He ran with newfound strength to the cabin knowing now that everything was falling into place. Arriving at the cabin, he knocked at the door. There was no response, and being unable to wait, he burst through the door only to find the cabin was completely empty. He searched around but there was no one. Then he saw it, what looked like a piece of paper, small and hanging on the back wall. He torn it off the wall and unfolded it. “If I’m not here, I’m out back, just go out the back door and keep going until you see me.” He knew it had to be Haley; it was in the same writing as the envelope. He left out the back door like the note said, and was now looking across a vast field. There was nothing for miles, and Derek began to lose hope. She wasn’t there, at least as far as he could see. He decided to start walking though; nothing had ever felt more right to him in his life. He walked across the empty field for what felt like hours. Every step Derek took, he tried to put forth each of his legs with hope. It was hard, and at times Derek felt like it was all just wishful thinking. At times he stopped and yelled out in anger. He questioned what it was he was doing. He had no idea where he was, and he was starting to feel like he had no idea what he was doing. Then he heard his one voice again; the voice that compelled him to jump to the rock before. “Just keep going, if you’re wrong, then nothing, but if you’re right you’ll finally find her. You’ll stop praying for peace, stop hoping for happiness, and finally, stop longing for love.” Derek knew he couldn’t stop. His will was almost crushed, but not yet. He walked on with re-born passion. Hours passed, and at long last Derek found his way to a vast beach.

She stood there alone, as if waiting. She turned her head in the distant sun, and looked at him. He continued to walk closer, overcome by a feeling he could not describe. It was indeed Haley, and he had found her. They stood close to one another in silence. Derek was unsure what to say, but at the same time, he felt like nothing needed to be said. She looked into his eyes like she had on the train, and a feeling of serenity flowed through Derek.

“How did you know that I would find you? How did you find me for that matter?” said Derek. She paused for a while still both lost in each other’s eyes.

“You found me and now we have each other, does it really matter?” She spoke like an angel, only saying what was necessary and nothing more. She looked at Derek as he thought about what she said.

“No,” he replied, “It doesn’t matter.”

Nothing more needed to be said. And nothing more needed be thought. There was a tranquil quite in his head now. He had found his true love, and she had found hers. He took her hand, and she took his, and they remained peacefully on the beach staring into the beautiful sunset.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, I found something.” yelled Aimee. Felix came over to her as she continued to look at the picture. “Remind me again how many pictures there were Felix.”

“Umm, let’s see, there was the one of the café, the one of the rock and river, the one of the cabin, the one of the field behind the cabin, and the empty beach with the sunset. Why are you asking, shouldn’t we be concerned with finding Derek?” asked Felix.

“I am still concerned, but look at this picture.”

They both looked at the picture of the beach with the sunset; where once the beach was empty there now stood two silhouettes, one male and one female.

“I think we have found Derek, and he found Haley. Somehow I don’t think we’ll be seeing him again.” said Aimee. Felix continued focused on the picture seemingly confused.

“Where did he go though?” asked Felix.

“Wherever Derek is, he’s found his peace.” Aimee replied.

Youth to Truth

It started one day when I was young

That I was taught how things ought be done

And through my youth I followed foot

I played by the rules and was mostly good



And everything seemed right

And everything made sense

And everything put before me

Was never mentally intense



It started one day when my youth did age

I suddenly felt I wasn’t on the same page

Out of the loop that never circled around

The only item in the lost and found



And everything seemed right to me

And some things happened to make sense

And everything put before me

Was just a little bit more dense



It started one day when I was educated

That everything I did exacerbated

The state of my mind I thought was my own

And suddenly I felt more psychologically alone



And everything seemed wrong

And every thought led to another

And everything put before me

Seemed to drown me while I sank under



It started today when I was me

That the things I did and thought weren’t free

Crushed by other’s advice and social stigmas

My interactions with life, to me, an enigma



And everything seemed upside down

And being in love was like trying not to drown

And everything put before me

Was a collection of things I could no longer bare to see.



It will start one day when I have aged

That I will wait on this empty stage

For you to come and entertain

The idea that we no longer need their pain



And everything will stop

And I’ll just take your hand

And everything put before me

I will finally understand