Why I Can't Sleep At Night (Part II)

Another bad idea

Memories galore

And what can I say

Except: I had more…

Like a rose in the sky

And so pretty in pink

Locked in home knit eyes

I didn’t even think

It was last night’s tossing and turning

It was not quite learning

It was the food and the boat

It was listening to every note

It’s haunting to say the least

It was green eyes upon which I feast

It was the element of surprise

And staring at those eyes

It was being tackled for no reason

And the upcoming season

It was the air around, the atmosphere

It was in the back of your head

It was the ever-present fear

And knowing it was dead

It was snowboards and skis

And knowing how to tease

It was the way neither spoke

And it was utterly scared

It was just one last joke

And how only half cared

It was leaping mountains

And keeping those pains

It was a means to an end

And a now distant friend

It was a lack of communication

As it starts to break down

It was a silent cringe

Knowing it was no longer around

It was a fleeting moment

And it was chasing nothing

It was watching it all fall down

And searching for something

It was writing out thoughts

And having them ignored

It was leaning towards someone else

And watching her get bored

It was over before it began

It never followed any plan

It was always to be expected

But never wanting to let it

It was a stroke of luck

And a fool’s chance

It was an utter mess

And a doomed romance

It was sad to say the least

It was happy to go away

It was bringing life to the deceased

And it was forcing night to day

And it was

But no longer

And it hurt

But no longer

It was what kept me up at night

It was what slowly wore me down

It was longing for the sight

It was never having you around

It died finally back then

And it will never happen again…

Reading

I read about angels, and the demons in us all

And then I thought if one could fall, couldn’t they all?

I find it hard to believe that in all eternity

Only one angel thought it possible to think differently

Makes you wonder what makes Him so amazing

When one would rather leave than accept such a great thing

I read about time, how it escapes you and me

And the moment we’re born we’re no longer free

Trapped in a world that wants to destroy us

You can stack them up but your chances will never be enough

Makes you wonder how you can truly live your life

When all you get to live in is the blink of an eye

And if I could get back everything I lost

I would go ahead and try, no matter the cost…

I read about existence and how the trick is to survive

Avoid the pitfalls of predecessors to remain alive

I asked: Was there ever a day in history’s tides

Where everyone just lived and nobody died?

Makes you understand our arching determination

When we’re all fighting certain decimation

I read about the heavens, and where it all comes from

How it’s a goal for a few, and a guide for some

I asked: If we trust in the stars above in the sky

What will happen to our astrology the day their light dies?

Makes you wonder how we all stay grounded on this Earth

When we’re all staring up to the stars, looking for answers

And if I could understand what it means to comprehend

I would go ahead and try, until I had reached my end…

I read about competing, and how the trick is to never stop

And bonus points for all those you crush on your way to the top

I asked: If life’s a competition, a race, a combative event,

Then aren’t we all losers if we meet death at the end?

Makes you understand why none of us want to slow down

When we’re already lost and we just want to be found

I read about reason, and how we all make it subjective

And if any of us actually knew, we wouldn’t even know it

I asked: If there were a reason, would there also be a rhyme?

And if there were, could we even figure it out in time?

Makes you wonder what the point is in questioning motives

When somebody else’s reasons could end you in minutes

And if I had more time I would work on my timing

And factor out those factors that aren’t deciding

I read about destiny, and how it’s everywhere you want to be

And if you believe, then it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy

I asked: If I end up there, is it where I was destined to be?

How can I know, when the big picture, I can’t see?

Makes you wonder how we can all follow so blindly

When we ought not to be taking this so kindly

I read about days, and how they like to come and go

And how you don’t need yesterday to have tomorrow

I asked: If the past is dead, and the present is dying?

Then shouldn’t we look to the future and keep on trying?

Makes you wonder how some can focus on their trivial pasts

When everything is ahead, and it’s only the memories that last

And if angels don’t have time to ponder existence in the heavens

Should we be competing for the reason of our destiny until our days end?

Just don’t read too much into everything…

Okay??

Why I Can't Sleep At Night

This was a bad idea

No, I really shouldn’t do this

But then I ask: Why not?

And so here it is…

Like a rose in the sky

And so pretty in pink

Locked in home knit eyes

I didn’t even think

It was a certain way of seeing

They were my heart’s fated howls

It was talking without words

And listening to a city of owls

It was having inside jokes

Like the one about the raccoon

It was sitting up at night and writing

About it all under that half moon

It was reading all the time

Only to criticize the words

It was knowing the best was meant

And knowing that I was heard

It was white shirt and black tie

And everything in between

It was locking eyes with an angel

If you know what I mean

It was enticing green eyes

And looks that could kill

It was being able to play

Knowing you didn’t need much skill

It was terribly lovely

And lovingly terrible

It was waiting but never patient

Always quiet but never silent

It was running away from me

Through eloquent photography

It was something that was never said

But it still lingered in your head

It was the press, without pressure

And in a moment that night

It was new castles, new friends

In a soft and gentle light

It was watching the gypsy

Become all scuffed up

It was lying right there

And it was more than enough

It was locking eyes

With a short skirt flirt

It was blind and dumb

And it couldn’t be hurt

It was watching the east wood

As it fought decomposition

It was loving the moment

And being aware of our position

It was the pronunciation of words

And the laughter that did follow

It was never looking forward

And ignoring that it was hollow

It was taking care of one

While that one took care of me

It was happily closing my eyes at night

Because it was roses I did see

It was how it wasn’t lazy

But that it was merely just asleep

It was a love of mountains

No matter how steep

It was loving every moment

But watching every mistake

It was gazing upon true beauty

It was icing on the cake

It was knowing you hated your job

But that someone else could relate

It was watching someone leave

And hoping it could be fate

It was airport pickups

After you had landed from up above

It was an understanding not spoken

But some might call it love

It was a drink that had to be shaken

And then equally stirred

It was having it all come down

And you didn’t even say a word

It was cold climates and daydreams

It was falling apart at the seams

It was waking up without

And then retreating within

It was watching it end

While wondering how it did begin…

Like a rose in the sky

And so pretty in pink

Locked in home knit eyes

I didn’t even think

My Fate

It would appear that your money is speaking louder than my words

And just because I’m not physically scarred doesn’t mean that I’m not hurt

It would appear that you haven’t been listening, and I haven’t heard

But just because you’re life is going so well, doesn’t give you a reason to hurt

I’ve been waiting for what seems like forever

And I watch their good times come and stay

I’ll continue waiting until possibly forever

And if I had something to be happy about would I want it that way?

It would appear that your happiness is shining brighter than the sun

And just because I’m out for the count, it doesn’t mean that I’m done

It would appear that you truly are a man of religion

But that fact that He’s blessed you doesn’t change my position

I’ve been waiting for what seems like an eternity

And I watch their joy stay and just grow

I’ll continue to wait for my life’s entirety

And if I had something to be happy about would I even know?

It would appear that your desires are well within your grasp

But just because you have it all doesn’t mean you’re entitled to be an ass

It would appear that the coming days will lead you to a great place to tread

But just because I’m not moving, doesn’t mean you can treat me like I’m dead

I’ve been waiting for what seems like forever

And I watch their good times never end

I’ll continue waiting until possibly forever

And if I had something worth saying, it would already be in my head

It would appear I have little to offer, but even less to demand

But just because I’m out here on my own, doesn’t mean you can’t lend me a hand

It would appear that I’ve done too little too late,

And if I don’t find something soon, this world will seal my fate…

Motivation

Sit back, relax, and ask yourself: “What’s my motivation?”

Seems like everyday I get closer and closer to mental vacation

I go to class, and I return having soaked up useless knowledge

Seems like everything I learn just remains locked inside my head

Up and down the stairs, and while upon the escalator

I wonder: if I don’t move, can I come back and do it later…?

Mirrors are her eyes that allow me to truly see

That my motivation couldn’t possibly be any further away from me

Seems like everyday I write, and everyday I scratch my head

I go through the motions like everyone else who’s waiting to be dead

Not to be morbid, but what’s your motivation?

Could it be trying to simply escape death’s sensation?

Sit back, relax, and just allow yourself to breathe

Allow your eyes to close, and simply cease to be

Step out of your body, and then hover above in spirit

Say goodbye to your physical form, and then simply leave it

Never to come back, off to find my motivation

Seems like everything succeeds when I reach that elevation

When I’m not looking at it, the whole world disappears

When I’m not looking for them, I’m confronted by my fears

When the world stops moving, I’ll be old in years

And when the time comes for you to cry, you’ll find you have no tears

Now Director, tell me: what’s my motivation?

When it seems like all that you’ve given me is fleeting sensation

Tell me how is it that I can’t seem to get a grip anymore?

And if I had one do you think that life could be something I adore?

If you don’t want to be lonely, then stop acting like you’re alone

And if I wanted to hear your voice, I wouldn’t be wearing these headphones

Sit back, relax, and allow yourself to just take it all in

Then snap back to reality and remember the last time it came from within

If you can’t, don’t worry, I can’t remember either

You know, the last time you just knew, and did have to follow a leader?

Off on my own, and asking the same dumb questions

Blah, blah, blah, what the hell is my motivation?

Seriously people, it shouldn’t really be this hard

And if you have plenty then share, recycle, don’t discard

The effort I put in is equal to what I will get out

But tell me how it is you do nothing, and never seem to be without?

You’re all motivated by something that I can’t equally interpret

You’re all motivated by someone who I apparently haven’t met

So tell me you bastards, what exactly makes you tick?

And if I take from the plate you’re eating off will it make me just as sick?

Finding joy in the simplest things is what I do best

But when all of you do it better, how can I possibly be better than the rest?

Set to standards that run you, while your morals get run over

You all act like you’re drunk while insisting that you’re still sober

So tell me Sir, who sits above upon the clouds

Can you tell me your motivation? Or are you not allowed?

And tell me dear reader, when you look at all that is around you

Can you tell me your motivation, be it a “what” or a “who”?

Maybe we shouldn’t question it, just suck it up and keep on going

Chalk it up to complete mystery and be satisfied with never knowing

But if the end is truly the end, and the beginning was a blink of the past

Then what motivation is there to make me forget that this won’t last?

Contemplating creation and trying to escape damnation

I sit back, relax, and ask myself: “Where went our motivation?”

I Move To Speak

I move to speak, but your words are already there

Am I too slow, or is it that you don’t care?

You move to interrupt me, and clearly don’t give a shit

Am I really to believe that you’re never going to quit?

I move to speak, but you’re talking much louder

Am I too quiet, or is it that you don’t care?

You move to impede me, and you clearly don’t hear?

Am I really to believe that you have nothing to fear?

I move to speak, but my voice just goes mute

Am I impaired, or is it your goal to knock me off route?

You move to condescend, and you clearly don’t get it

Am I really to believe that this is never going to quit?

I move to speak, but your voice does all the work

Am I unmotivated, or is it that you’re clearly a jerk?

You move to strike me, and clearly you’re beating me

Am I really to believe that you can’t open your eyes and see?

I move to speak, but my words strike a silent pitch

Am I going deaf, or is it that you enjoy being a bitch?

You move to conquer, and clearly you don’t want me standing

Am I really to believe that you’re truly this demanding?

I move to speak, but my progress is just blocked

Am I undersupplied, or are you overstocked?

You move to the end, and clearly you were there first

Am I really to believe that you aren’t the worst?

I move to speak, but my voice just feels stuck

Now is it me, or do you just not seem to give a fuck?

You move to break me, but most of me is already gone

And am I really to believe that you’ve been this strong all along?

I try to stand up, but the ground won’t allow

Am I weak, or did you mess with that too some how?

You seem to have all the control with little to no effort

And am I really to believe that being broken by you won’t hurt?

Crossed Senses

An ear to the world

And one to the music

A heart to that girl

And a soul that feels useless

Run for your lives is what they shout

Run from the lies that just want out

An eye to the sky

And one to the earth

A heart to that girl

And a soul still measuring its worth

Open your eyes is what they shout

Open up with the lies that just want out

A hand to a hand

And one to the possessions

A heart to that girl

And a soul that can’t lose its obsession

Give it your all is what they shout

Give in to it all and let it all out

A smile to a stranger

And a stranger to them all

A heart to that girl

And a soul that isn’t satisfied with it all

Cross ‘T’s and dot ‘I’s is what they shout

Cross fingers behind backs and hope it doesn’t come out

Black & White Legs

Black covered the head, and white covered the torso

His legs remain neutral to take him where he needs to go

White was the sun, but black was the day

But his legs remain neutral to keep him on his way

His prospects are black, but his outlook is white

And his legs remain neutral to continue the fight

The moon radiated white, but the sky had turned black

And his legs remain neutral still deciding whom to attack

White painted their faces, and black were their hearts

But his legs remained neutral and ready to depart

Black were their words, and white were their eyes

But his legs remained neutral bearing no real surprise

Black veiled their faces, and white roses covered their graves

But his legs remained neutral still not sure whom to save

Black were her actions, but white were her intentions

But his legs remained neutral while he debated with his convictions

A colorless world, it’s either one thing or the other

And his legs remain neutral until he finds another

Try to paint it your way, but it can only be fight or flight

And his legs remain neutral until it stops being black and white

Black were their motives, but white was their blank slate

And his legs were neutral as he awaited his fate

Black was our demise, but white will be our souls

And still his legs are neutral as he evaluates his goals

White was the snow fall, and black was the ash

But his legs remain neutral as he looks on at the trash

White was the fire, but black was their desire

And his legs remain neutral while they call each other liars

White are the waves that the black tides make

But his legs remain neutral so he can avoid the wake

White is the light that leads you into the black

But his legs remain neutral because he's afraid to look back

White covered the head, and black covered the torso

His legs remain neutral to take him where he needs to go

White was the sun, but black was the day

But his legs remain neutral to keep him on his way

A colorless world, it’s either one thing or the other

And his legs remain neutral until he finds his lover

Try to paint it your way, but it can only be fight or flight

And his legs remain neutral until it stops being black and white

Where I Was Last Night

And suddenly I was conscious and driving down a a steep and giant hill. I noticed the cars ahead of me further down the slope at a stop light, but my attention was elsewhere...

Gazing at the horizon I noticed the sky was growing dark. Somehow it still managed to maintain an assortment of colors regardless of the coming darkness. It appeared as sunset, but the hues were changing, flowing. It were as if the oranges and blues that were present in the sky were attempting to choke each other. In this struggle that shifted the two colors continuously were streaks of red as if a battle had turned bloody. As the fight continued the air became smoggy, and choked both parties which slowly lost their colors with the growing darkness. Then, in an instant, two birds appeared in my vision. At a distance I saw them and they became larger as they flew towards me. I could see that they were eagles, abnormally oversized, that were caught in a conflict that consumed both of them. It seemed convenient that the horizon would facilitate a background for their confrontation. As they fought amidst the air I watched unaware of anything else that could be happening as I drove.

"Did you see that?" I asked as the giant eagles drifted out of sight, but no one responded and that's when I saw it. I was quickly approaching the aforementioned slew of cars waiting patiently at the stop light. I stepped on the brake, but the road was slick and it was unresponsive. I panicked and pressed harder, but still nothing. As the cars grew closer I attempted to change lanes to allow myself more space to slow down. It was useless. I barreled past the car in front of me as I changed lanes and continued left narrowly missing the back corner of a truck in the next lane. I was forced to go off the road. I hit the grass in between lanes and still couldn't make the car stop. It seemed as if the more force and weight I put on the brake, the less it wanted to respond. Still not slowing my heart raced as I veered into oncoming traffic. The other cars swerving to avoid my car, I crossed the opposite lanes one by one. As it looked like I would never stop, I eventually lost momentum. Rolling into a gas station on the side of the road, my car finally came to a stop, and I allowed my breath to return.

In a miraculous act of some higher power, I had not hit anyone else when I lost control. I was alive, and so was everyone else. I stepped out of my car, unhurt, but alone. I left my car and never did look back at the road I had come from.

I wandered away from my car and started walking through the small town I had now arrived at. I was soon stopped by a woman. She was middle-aged, and quite short, and wasting no time, asked me who I was. She insisted that I tell her because in this small town, she believed in knowing everyone personally. I told her, but moved past her down a nearby alley. The walls of the alley were covered in ivy and the buildings around me appeared to be all lit by candle light. It was now dark outside, but and odd flickering sunset-like glow provided scarce amounts of light. More people approached me as I walked, and as I searched.

For what was I searching? I didn't really know exactly. It was as if I was searching for something I could only feel. As if my soul were telling me, "Warmer, you're getting warmer..." but I never found it, regardless of how "warm" I was. My search eventually turned into me looking for my car in an attempt to leave this small town.

I found myself in a parking garage that I couldn't help but feel I had been in before. The light should have been a typical florescent glow, but it wasn't. It remained a continuation of the same candle light like the rest of the town.

"Is this your car?" he asked, as I walked. I couldn't see his face, but his voice remained nonetheless. It was as if he, and the rest of the townspeople who asked me similar questions had words to ask, but not bodies to produce those words. I never answered any of them, I just kept walking. I just kept searching. Eventually an officer drove up and asked me where my car was. Again, there were words, sound, voices, but no body in the car. As he drove by, I again remained silent, not responding, just searching...

It was at this moment I awoke, never finding anything but a head full of questions...

Who's Next?

You can walk away by never taking a step

You can talk your way out of each and every theft

You can mark an X for everyone you’ve buried

But you can’t sleep at night because you’re worried

You can hold the world in the palm of your hand

You can mold your words to fit your plans

You can dig a ditch for all the people you’ll bury

But you can’t sleep at night and not worry

You can dance to the beat of your own heart

You can chance your own wisdom but still impart

You can find dark places to hide them all

But you can’t sleep at night knowing one day you’ll fall

You can live in the moment while on the sidelines

You can give it your all and all will be fine

You can think about all the hearts you’ll break

But you can’t sleep at night because you’ve made a mistake

You can talk so they listen to just your hush

You can chalk their affection up to a crush

You can plan to get away while they’re asleep

But you can’t sleep at night with all the fear you keep

You can remember it all like it happened yesterday

You can be somber but still brighten up their day

You can start by saying “I’m pleased to meet you.”

But you can’t sleep at night knowing what you do

You can introduce yourself with only a smile

And you can make him think that it will last a while

You can lock eyes with him and know exactly what it’ll do

But you can’t sleep at night because you know I’m on to you.

Colored by More

More red ink, and I leave believing I don't want to think

More red tape, and I'm looking to book it and escape

More of the same, and there's no way to go back

More of the same, cowering trying to brace for attack

More red lights and I'm trying to fly into the night

More red signs, and I'm reeling from the feeling of not being fine

More blue waters, and I leave believing it's only just starting

More blue roses, and I'm striving to keep the drive for these poses

More of the same, and I'm starting to forget all of their names

More of the same, trying to figure out where I've gone, and from where I came

More blue days, and I'm trying to fly off and get away

More blue times, and I'm clinging to my music and my rhymes

More green bills, and I leave believing money’s racking up kills

More green eyes, and I’m hiding my eyes to escape past ties

More of the same, and the same becomes a violent game

More of the same, trying not to be ferocious, but still untamed

More green leaves, and I’m falling from my calling off these trees

More green dreams, and I’m reeling from the feeling of being torn at the seams

More colors than I could possibly imagine

Painting me shades of unwanted feelings again

More colors than one could even start to comprehend

And I’m trying to figure out how this will all end

More colors than I have lines to write about

And it’s no wonder none of us can figure it out

More colors, more hues, more shades of more truth

And I can’t figure out why this doesn’t happen to you…

Far From And Falling Faster

One in a million says you’re feeling good,

And everyone says you really should

One hundred in counting but I’m not counting

Because none of them are really listening

You walk along, wishing for just one to hold

You grow distant from those who used to mold

They shout and they yell, and try to give you a hand

But alone in this land do you now stand

She ran up the mountains, while he sunk in the sea

And they will never have a chance to truly be

They went off to love, instead of going off to war

And at the end of the day, they’re not keeping score

If you’re out there and bound, but still broken

Don’t you worry, your last words have yet to be spoken

And if you’re far from it, but still falling faster

Don’t worry, because I’ll save you from this disaster

Just open your eyes, and see it isn’t that bad

Still pretty good, but not the best you’ve ever had

And one hundred to one says that I’m coming back

But one million to one says that I won’t attack

Gather round everyone, and we’ll try to see

Place your bets ladies and gentlemen, what’ll it be?

Given an option where you can pick one of these three,

Which one will it always end up to be?

—A dream in which you don’t want to wake up

—A reality you wish would one-day stop

—A mixture of both where you don’t have a say

The game is rigged, but at least you got to play

If you’re out there and bound, but still broken

Don’t you worry, your last words have yet to be spoken

And if you’re far from it, but still falling faster

Don’t worry because I’ll save you from this disaster

Somewhere out there is a bush that’s burning

And it’s looking to talk to those who’re yearning

Somewhere out there is a lake of fire

And it grows ever bigger with the more we desire

One in a million says we’re feeling good

And nobody ever gets to say what they should

One hundred in counting, but I’m not keeping track

So who wants to bet that I can’t get you back?

Somewhere out there is a lake I can cross

Stand on the waves and never be lost

Somewhere out there is a bush that’s aflame

If you just listen, it’s calling your name

And if you’re out there and bound, but still broken

Don’t you worry, your last words have yet to be spoken

And if you’re far from it, but still falling faster

Don’t worry because I’ll save you from this disaster

Take my hand and I’ll save you from this disaster